Today is My Dark Day.
If you are a Gilmore Girls fan you probably already know what that means, but for those of you who aren’t, I’ll explain.
Luke Danes, Stars Hollow’s favorite diner proprietor closes his restaurant once a year on the anniversary of his father’s passing. He doesn’t insult anyone. He doesn’t make pancakes or chili cheese fries. He doesn’t go to any town events (not like he does on a normal day anyway). He doesn’t crack jokes. He doesn’t talk to anyone. He just wants to be alone to remember his father. I don’t think that is unreasonable.
Today is My Dark Day.
For about a week I have known this was coming. Timehop won’t let me forget it even if I tried. Seven years ago my mom passed away from breast cancer and every year I just want to have a dark day. I want to hole up in my room eating take out and watching things that my mom would have loved (HGTV, While You Were Sleeping, Sleepless in Seattle, etc), but I can’t. I have kids. I have a husband. I have a job on a schedule. I can’t just hide from the world like Luke no matter how much I want to. It’s not fair.
Shouldn’t there be some sort of pass for days like today? Can’t I just hit pause on everything around me so I can have my time to myself without worrying about neglecting something or someone? NOPE! Today I must continue to truck on…no matter what life decides to throw at me. And let me tell you, life has thrown everything it had at me today.
I held it together until around 5pm.
The kids WOULD NOT STOP messing with each other and I screamed. I yelled so loud in the car I kind of scared them, me, and I am sure the person in the car next to us. And then I started uncontrollably crying. In traffic. While trying to explain to a 4, 6, and 8 year old why mommy could not handle the fighting and NO we are not going to McDonald’s today.
They started to calm down. My crying stopped…and then came back…and then stopped again.
We made it home from sitting in 5 o’clock traffic. From having to pick up my mouse that I left at the library. A tiny task at the wrong time of day that couldn’t wait purely because I have a podcast tonight.
I still feel completely broken and in need of my Dark Day, but I need to get it together. My kids need me. My husband needs me. My work needs me.
Maybe next year I will be able to take my Dark Day to myself.
Do you have a Dark Day, or wish you could? How do you deal with reality when you just can’t take one more second?